Every time you think you know something, it changes. Something shifts.
I don’t know what this is. I thought I did. A discovery of a home. A Lost place. Found in Morocco. But I’m not sure it was ever about the place. I think the place was the trigger. The space that provided the catalyst to reconnect with
Myself. And maybe that’s what I’ve been searching for my whole life. My home. I’ve looked in others. Asked for guidance and permission. Validation. Fit into their ideals and their boxes. And this hiraeth. This longing for a home that may never have existed… what if it has been a longing for me. For myself. For all of me. A place. That may never have existed. But I know is true. I know exists. Even if I can’t touch it or place it on a map. A deep longing for all of me. To come home to myself. Maybe it’s been a longing for my own heart.
So here this blog thing morphs again. And I don’t know what I’m doing (which I know I’m supposed to stop saying) because I do know. I just don’t quite have the words to put to it. Or more accurately, I don’t have the words to put to it that fit nicely into the language of society. Of what’s par for the course, one foot in front of the next we’re trained to want and do. And I truly don’t know the next step. Just that I’m following my intuition like it’s a map from the gods. Because I think it might be. The only way to decipher it is surrender and listen. Surrender and follow. Surrender and trust.
I met a woman today. She was amazing. And we needed to meet. And it made me realize I feel like I’m floundering and floating. Free falling with God, as Jacque keeps saying. And I’m half terrified- half trusting. But I still keep one foot in front of the other even if I can’t see the path. Because I’ve heard the only way we can see the path clearly in front of us is if we’re on someone else’s path. So here I am with machete in hand bushwhacking my way through. And today I meet this woman. And she was like a signpost. She needed my story today. It helped her see light in her own life. And through that I felt so seen. For real. Not as this brave adventurer that people tend to label me as, which doesn’t feel to me to be the truth of it. But she saw me as someone making a very clear, if wandering, choice to try something else. Because you reached a point where everything you’ve lived no longer exists. Not because you want an adventure. But because everything you have known up to this point has burned to the ground. And instead of rebuilding, reconstructing the shape of same thing…you thought maybe there is another way…another path.
To be seen by her and have her recognize our lives as similar and that she could reshape things in a new way too, gave me reassurance in myself. Recognition. To see the light in her eyes….like of course we could do it differently. That when everything burns down, maybe it’s because something entirely new is ready to be born. That there is light in a dark place if you’re brave enough to believe you can follow it. I need to figure out how to sit with everyone telling me how brave I am. I don’t think it’s bravery…even though I just said it’s brave to follow the light. I think it’s more true that…it’s that there is no other choice but to try to create a new path.
And so, perhaps this will be a collection of my adventures, the paths, the days, the wins and the redirections. The discoveries. Me saying, wow! Look at that!
